Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
True?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.