Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
#catsoftwitter
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
honestly, i need both:
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.