Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Wednesday

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”