Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?