Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Grew big
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
.. do you even science?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
