Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
