Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.