Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.