Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.