Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
You Might Also Like
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The most important meal of the day is the next one