Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
all that yoga finally paid off
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.