Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.