Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.