Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*gets down on one knee*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix