Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

sign of the times 🖊

You better watch out

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

opening twitter today

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.