Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.