Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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What number SPF blocks people?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.