Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy