Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Smooooooth
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
