Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
OH. COME. ON.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend