Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
🏙👨🏼
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch