hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
You Might Also Like
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.