Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.