Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?