Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

due date

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one