Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

hear me out : pockets for your socks

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!