Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood