Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.