Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
Me (young, naive); I hope something good happens
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Rare photo of two submarines racing
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?