Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.