Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
You Might Also Like
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When I laugh on my period
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet