Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die