Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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Kermit goes Blue.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”