Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.