Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
You Might Also Like
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.