Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
any last words?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”