Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope my email finds you on fire

Its a hippotatomus

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

the battle rages on

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings