Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
lmao
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?