Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

You had me at “define legal”.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Phones down.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

This line from Airplane.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

This a good idea

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

These are too funny not to post 😂

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level