Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I was just discussing this with my cat
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
