Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Did my cat write this
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them