Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”