Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?