Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*seductively eats two tums*
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.