Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.