Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”