Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell