Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Yes, but it was never about money
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Hell yeah 👍
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.