Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
For the orator and chef in all of us
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I feel it
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer