Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

True

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.