Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming


I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.


Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.


son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]


I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.


My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?