Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
😏😏😏
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology