@thehubrispanda

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

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@PhuckinCody

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@GrantTanaka

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

@Kryzazy

I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

@momma0315

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?