Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*