Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day