Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

💀💀💀💀

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.