Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me hooking up with my ex
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023