Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*