As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother
A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.
It’s possible my dress is too short.