If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
All. The. Damn. Time.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”