@DonQuickoats: I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go

@faungirl123: Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

@ArfMeasures: HER: You ran over my cat ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

@Skoogeth: [during sex] her: choke me me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@murrman5: [robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle [me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]