Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee

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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing


I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.


Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.


ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.


“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born


I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.


[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?