@ceejoyner: For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don't even want it in my garbage.

@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@panmidwest: [introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers] ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@notacroc: [first day as a director] me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'