Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?