Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You Might Also Like
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
me irl
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.