Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

A bold strategy

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing