Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”