Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
You Might Also Like
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn鈥檛 raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Kill me once, shame on you. That鈥檚 pretty much it.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I don鈥檛 get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
pep talk
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I鈥檇 spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 馃檨
My chameleon: 馃檪
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that鈥檚 a Fruit Loop
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don鈥檛 get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.