Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme