Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”