Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”