Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly