Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Did I do this right
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.